Dear Newsweek, My 20-year-old daughter is currently serving in the U.S. Air Force in Oklahoma. Her brother (my son) died in 2019. We have been trying to navigate our lives without him for the past few years and it’s been rough.

I’m now a 56-year-old single empty nester. I pay for my daughter’s car, car insurance, and give her many things she wants and needs, as our military doesn’t pay well. And my only child now can’t even call me on Christmas. All I need from her is a weekly phone call, and we had originally agreed that we would see each other every other month.

We were very close as she was growing up and now I feel like we are estranged. She has said she wants us to go to counseling, but we are having difficulty finding a therapist that is licensed in both Oklahoma and California.

Our last trip ended in disaster because of her spending. We ended up fighting because she repeatedly kept trying to buy boots from Steven Madden, and her several transactions were actually posted on my credit card account and would not be removed for 72 hours—locking up my card for over $400. Because of some mailing address issue with her using my card, her transactions were canceled by Steve Madden—but not my credit card company—right away. I ended up having to order the boots, having them mailed to me, and then me mailing them to her in Oklahoma.

After it happened the first time, I suggested that I just handle the transaction but she insisted on trying the transaction over, and over, and over, and over again. It was absolutely frustrating. And then I was infuriated after seeing the multiple transactions on my account before I left her to go home.

I feel like cutting my daughter off financially—she doesn’t seem to mind taking all my financial support, but can’t seem to give me the time of day.

Marigene, California

Mother-Daughter Conflicts Can Be Difficult To Navigate

Ruth E. Freeman is a licensed clinical social-worker and the founder and president of Peace at Home Parenting Solutions.

Your mother-daughter difficulties are likely complicated by your shared grief. Her request that the two of you participate in family therapy is an excellent one so that you can unpack the underlying pain that may be making typical mother-daughter disagreements feel so hard to navigate.

You do not need a clinician licensed in both states. A therapist in one of your states can bill your sessions to the insurance plan of the person residing in that state as family therapy.

Until you arrange that, there are some practical steps I suggest taking in place of simply cutting off your daughter. First, I would let her know, without any blame or shame, how her spending is affecting you. Perhaps something like “I want to support you in every way I can and am also growing stressed at the additional expense. I’d like to work together to come to some agreements so that by the end of the year you are independent.”

You can also let her know that for this year, you’d like her to agree to a monthly max of a specific amount of money—if you can indeed afford that. Let her know that you need these agreements in order to continue to provide financial support this year without stress.

During this process, it is important that you remind her about what you appreciate about her and how much you value your relationship with her. Hopefully, you are both talking with each other about your deceased son and your feelings about him as this loss unfolds. Those dynamics may be triggering some of these difficulties and you both deserve a listening ear about the other person’s experience. Don’t assume that the way you are missing him and how that loss is affecting you is the same for her.

When a child dies, they often become idealized and your other child may somehow need your concrete demonstration of love or be suffering her own distress that is manifesting in constant demands for your concrete demonstration of love. Even if this behavior was evident in the past, it may become more urgent for any number of reasons.

The loss of a relationship with your surviving child must feel terrible even though you are surely frustrated with her childlike behavior. Learn to set some loving, firm boundaries and stay connected even if she doesn’t approve.

Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children Is Very Important

Joseph Coston is a life coach, motivational speaker and certified personal goal strategist.

I am sorry to hear that you are having issues with your daughter. Of course, as our kids get older, there is still no guarantee that things will become any easier. You and your daughter could be having trouble in three significant areas: riding on assumptions, needing better communication, and not setting proper and fair boundaries.

Assumptions are tricky because we can convince ourselves that they are true over time. For example, you might assume that your daughter only reaches out when she needs you financially. While this may be true, if you do not challenge this belief, you could make rash decisions based on something that may not be completely accurate.

Regarding communication, having a regular schedule when you can speak with a professional, the lines of communication are immediately open. You can always build from there if you are both committed. Boundary setting is also vital. I teach my kids healthy boundary-setting early on. I firmly believe that people treat you the way they see you treat yourself.

The good news is that you do not necessarily have to get a counselor, at least not yet. I recommend getting a certified life coach to help you and your daughter with what is currently happening. I have helped many clients with similar issues in my personal goal strategy practice. When you bring a life coach aboard, licensing is not an issue; however, you want someone who is certified. You and your daughter can participate in sessions via Zoom with a coach who can help you create a better dynamic between you or at least give insight.