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Congratulations, soon-to-be grads!

Dear college seniors,

Here’s what you need to know.

1. Don’t believe people when they say you have time to figure it out. You don’t. After you flip your tassel to the side, you will instantly be expected to have job offers that pay $80,000 per month, $960,000 a year.
2. If you declare a major in the arts, make a list of schools you’d like to teach at. Everyone will assume you’re going to teach.
3. One day, you’re going to get an eviction notice on the door of your dorm or the door of your room in your guardian’s home prompting you to get out because you clearly have a plan for your life.
4. You’re going to need health insurance, life insurance, car insurance, house insurance, pet insurance, rental insurance and boat insurance. Every adult will ask you if you’re insured, so just get all of it to look put together. People love it when you have insurance.
5. Ultimately, smile and breathe because college will be over before you know it.

Congratulations, soon-to-be grads!

Sincerely,
A group of graduates

P.S. This letter is vague and puzzling, just like the advice we received. Be sure to pass on your experience to help the next scholar make it out.