Theseus Files a Boat Insurance Claim

To: cutthebull@Ɣmail.com
From: [email protected]
Subject: Your pending boat insurance claim – more information needed

Hi Mr. Theseus,

Thanks for submitting your claim.

We’re sorry to hear that your ship sank in the localized typhoon that recently demolished the Athenian harbor. Poseidon must have been feeling cranky about someone failing to properly honor him again. Were you all flying the correct sails? (This is not meant as snark. I hear he has a thing against wool nowadays after a shepherd blinded one of his kids.)

In any event, we need you to answer a few routine questions before we can process your submission. The information you provide will help us determine the extent of your reimbursement.

Please answer the questions below, making sure your responses are as thorough and truthful as possible. Be advised that providing ambiguous, false, or misleading attestations will result in the denial of your claim.

1. How many of your ship’s planks did you replace since your last insurance payment?

2. How many of your ship’s planks did you replace since you first took out your insurance policy?

3. Have all the planks of your ship been replaced?

4. Did you replace the planks with the same material(s) as before?

5. Do any of the original planks remain?

6. Did you or anyone else build a ship out of the old planks?

7. Have you or another party taken out an insurance policy on any watercraft assembled from planks that were once part of your ship?

8. Supposing anybody did build a ship out of the old planks, are you sure that’s not your ship, instead of the one you’re making a claim about? If so, why?

9. Can you say with certainty that the ship that sank is the same ship for which you took out an insurance policy?

10. Can you confirm—legally, philosophically, or forensically—that the ship you’re making a claim about is the same ship that your policy covers?

Lastly, I’ll need you to provide a digital signature at [LINK REDACTED] to affirm your identity and the honesty of your statements. When finished, you’ll be prompted to complete a CAPTCHA challenge. Simply specify the number of points Achilles must pass to overtake the tortoise, and your claim will be filed and ready to go.

Thanks!
~Rhei