SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — Local punk John “Cancerbreath” O’Connor wasn’t quite sure if he needed auto or homeowners insurance to live in his 1987 Dodge Omni, confused sources confirmed.

“Look, I know insurance isn’t ‘punk fucking rock’ or whatever, but when you’ve been kicked out of as many apartments, squats, hotels, motels, and flophouses as me, you gotta protect what you still got at all costs, even though I only have a few blankets to my name,” said O’Connor while washing his hands with windshield wiper fluid. “But is this a car I live in? Or a house I drive? Fuck if I know. If it’s my house, it means I don’t need a license, which is great news because I don’t have one anyway. Home and/or car ownership is very complicated.”

Janice Mangiacapre, an auto insurance specialist with The General, explains what policy O’Connor needs and why.

“Apparently, the car doesn’t run. It sits on cinder blocks, there’s a kitchen in the goddamn trunk, and the spare tire is now a throw pillow. This guy can think it’s a house all he wants, but John’s absolute abortion of an automobile is technically still a car and therefore required by New York state law to have at least liability coverage,” Mangiacapre clarified. “While the monthly premium of our most basic policy far exceeds the value of his sad ass vehicle, at The General we believe you can’t put a price on peace of mind — even if you drive a piece of shit.”

Liberty Mutual property insurance appraiser and one-time car dweller Earl Fung sees O’Connor’s situation differently.

“I was super excited to hear what John has done with his place,” said Fung. “Full gut renovation. Removed the seats, dash, and door panels, and transformed the interior into a one bed, no bath studio. All furnished by the Big Lots! dumpster he’s parked behind. I thought I was clever when I put a doorbell in my Daewoo. This guy turned the sunroof into a doggy door for neighborhood strays. I was honored to tell John his residence meets the minimal criteria for a homeowners insurance policy. Dodge Omni? More like The Omni Hotel!”

At press time, it was discovered that O’Connor’s car-turned-house is actually stolen, which only qualifies O’Connor for jail time, but he was excited to at least have a roof over his head that didn’t require an insurance policy.